Private Violence Presents: Why We Stayed
22 Jan One of our most essential needs as human beings is to love and be loved. Since we are wired for relationships from the moment we enter the world, one would think it would be easy to pick partners that suit us well. But the truth is, many people repeatedly pick the wrong partner and end up feeling unhappy. 2 Mar But why women keep up with this? Why women endure bad relationships years after years? Here are a few pointers. - They've Never Known any other Type of Relationship. The abused woman syndrome is real, but it doesn't happen by accident. It happens to women who attract the type of men that will. 4 May Furthermore, divorce is more common in nations where women achieve more economic independence, and in which the proportion of men to women is higher, suggesting that women are more likely to divorce if they have the economic Which leads us to the final reason we often stay in bad relationships.
This article was first published by The Huffington Post.
I will explain the cycle of brainwashing as studied by psychologist Robert Jay Lifton, but will be discussing it as it specifically pertains to domestic abuse. Last year, after years of hiding my abuse from almost everybody I knew, I decided to publicly share my story. Recently, after my research on brainwashing, I went back to read the story I had written last year. I am not a psychologist, I speak from years of personal experience and from spending time with women who have endured domestic abuse.
When somebody is trying to control another, they begin to attack their sense of self, their identity. They start to say things that cause the victim to doubt who they are. The attacks are repeated consistently for days, weeks and sometimes years.
As a result, the victim becomes disoriented, confused, and begins to doubt everything they believed to be true. The idea of brainwashing is to destroy the old identity and replace it with a new one, one that matches with the beliefs, values and ideas of the manipulator. Guilt is an effective tactic in mind control and is introduced in different ways. The abuser criticizes the victim for any reason, small or large, and sometimes no reason at all. The abuser will take a small flaw and embellish it to the extreme.
Abusers will shift responsibility for their actions to the victim or justify their behavior by blaming the victim. An abuser will make the victim feel guilty for disagreeing with them or not meeting extremely high expectations. After the assault on identity, the constant criticisms cause the victim to believe the punishment and mistreatment are warranted.
Guilt can easily turn into shame when it is internalized. Inducing guilt, humiliation and shame destroy confidence and self worth. A victim begins to feel culpable all the time and everything they do or say is wrong.
Once a victim is overwhelmed with guilt and shame, they begin to abandon their own needs Why Women Stay In Bad Relationships make choices that are harmful to their well-being.
The victim is bullied into cutting off communication from friends and family who share the same beliefs or behaviors. This is when isolation begins: The abuser will blame friends or family for problems in the relationship.
Why Do Codependents Stay In Bad Relationships
As a result, the more isolated a victim becomes, the more dependent they are on the abuser. They may have lost their grip with reality. Gaslighting techniques are used to push the victim over the edge. The victim is confused and disoriented from gaslighting and from being fed a distorted version of reality.
The overwhelming anxiety, depression and stress lead to a sense of hopelessness, helplessness and absolute exhaustion. Just when a victim can literally take no more, the abuser offers leniency.
8 Major Reasons Why Women Stay in Bad Relationships Love
This is when the abuser offers a small act of kindness amid the psychological abuse and the victim feels a deep sense of gratitude completely out of proportion to the deed. Since these small acts of kindness are so infrequent, the kind gesture is magnified.
It can be something as small as offering a glass of water, a hug or a compliment. This can lead to a sense link false hope.
It puts the responsibility on the victim to do things better, to try harder, in hopes the acts of kindness will become more frequent.
Why women stay in bad relationships
These unpredictable responses are detrimental to mental well-being, confidence and self-esteem. The Why Women Stay In Bad Relationships can have an extreme reaction one day, and then the next day have the complete opposite reaction. This unpredictability can cause a great deal of stress and anxiety. The victim is so grateful for the small gesture between abuse and manipulation, they begin to agree with the criticisms.
For the first time in the brainwashing process, the victim is faced with the stark contrast between the harsh criticism and abuse, and the relief of leniency.
The victim begins to acquire the beliefs and values the abuser has ingrained. At this point, the victim is willing to say anything to recreate those moments of leniency. The victim does not know what they have done wrong, they just know they are wrong. This creates a blank slate so the abuser can attach the guilt to whatever belief system the abuser is trying to replace. Essentially, this is when the victim begins to adopt the new way of thinking and relinquishes their old way of thinking.
By this stage, the victim has come to believe that they themselves are not bad, but the belief systems they held are wrong, and they can escape that wrongness by completely changing their belief systems. They denounce their former belief system and the people they associated with.
They confess to acts associated with their former belief systems. After a full confession, they complete the process of rejecting their former identity.
Now, the abuser offers up the new identity. These tactics are very similar to those used on prisoners of war or members of a cult. This will begin the process all over again. Victims continue to just click for source in the ideas of their abusers long after they have left the abusive environment. The new belief system has been so deeply rooted, it could take years to change. Abuse thrives only in silence. If you click healing from an abusive relationship, know the most important thing to do is forgive yourself.
If you find yourself in this situation, please seek support. An extremely effective way to get out of the darkness of guilt and shame is by shining a light on it.
An abuser will make the victim feel guilty for disagreeing with them or not meeting extremely high expectations. In most states there are domestic violence shelters you can escape to also. Heather Walker Clark says: Many of us pick partners who help us stay within our comfort zone, even if that zone turns out to be less than desirable.
Shame can only survive in darkness. Crystal Sanchez is the founder of Believe Bliss, a platform for domestic violence survivors to share stories, heal wounds and find their way back to themselves. The article about abusive relationship by Crystal Sanchez is very much like my life story….
Please do not use kids and finances as an excuse. I did for 20 years untillI saw it repeating in my children. I left with 3 kids,3 suitcases. I rebuilt my life remarried to a balanced and stable man.
A firm belief in my fundamental un-lovability. This unpredictability can cause a great deal of stress and anxiety. The abuser will take a small flaw and embellish it to the extreme.
You ask them not to use kids and finances as an excuse, yet you did it yourself for 20 years. Clearly you had no one to help you get out sooner and had to rely on the finances to stay until you found a window of opportunity to leave. I am disabled, cannot work, and I have an ex who is an abuser. I have run the numbers many times.
I have no idea of our finances. Good ole internet online documents so i never see them. I keep seaeching for how I could possibly get an attorney, live on what amounts to less than minimum wage. So finances are a huge problem. I am close to retirement age with no retirement income. He is very mean, and he knows I am stuck now so it is getting worse. My first serious boyfriend was really charming and I moved in with him at 18 he started using drugs and became really psychologically abusive Why Women Stay In Bad Relationships then physically abusive.
He bit a chunk out of my leg, slammed my face into a table and broke my nose, calling me a slut was minor to me which now sounds crazy, pulled my hair out, punched me lit my cloths on fire eventually got arrested because my neighbors called the cops came back out flipped out.
Eventually we broke up from family getting involved my sister saw him rip my necklace off n slash my neck, basically force sex. I never actually wrote any of this or said it all I just blocked it out for years.
I found a new boyfriend I was with him for Why Women Stay In Bad Relationships years we got married and link was my best friend the love of my life.
He blamed me for all our fininacial problems. Ruined my credit took out credit cards on my name. When I would tell him we just needed to talk he would basically tell me it was my fault that I deserved this. It is my life story too and I have lived it for 20 years. My oldest is now 18 and out of the house and the guilt of how my husband treated him is crushing me. I can barely stand to look at myself in the mirror. My little boy has grown up and is treating women the way I was treated and I let it happen because I was pathetic.
Please find the strength to leave, Crystal. I am in the same boat TheSadWife. I have been with mine for 32 years and we raised a son, who was treated horribly. I tried and tried to work things out and we did the counseling, etc…our son is now 30 and a very angry man. Angry at his dad, angry at me for allowing the behavior towards him growing up and for allowing it to continue with me all of these Why Women Stay In Bad Relationships. I would give anything to go back and change things.
I am so disappointed in myself for not protecting our son from all of the abuse. I too would suggest to anyone who is staying for the kids to here out now, it is far worse for the kids to keep them in such a toxic relationship. Paddy, I felt that way too.
But when I called the Why Women Stay In Bad Relationships after an incident he was put in jail and there was a no contact order as part of his bond, so he was not allowed to contact me or I could have him re-arrested. He has to go to a court ordered family violence intervention program for 24 months. I have filed for divorce, and due to his violence will likely get the majority of the time with the kids, and with the court ordered program I will still be nervous, but think things will be okay.
Because I have no income right now, he will have to pay me both alimony and child support.